Who knew eyeliner was the key to unlocking confidence in a middle school child! As humorous as that was, I recognized the strength and self-awareness she displayed in that moment. She had the ability to identify the lack of confidence she was feeling and I felt so proud of her. 

This was not the first time I noticed a lack of confidence in my daughter. You see, a month earlier I noticed that Bella was growing more irritable and appeared mad at HERSELF.   She began to say, “I hate my hair. I have no good clothes. I won't look good even if I try.” and worse yet, “I hate myself.”  My heart hurt when I heard that negative self-talk. I told her, “That's not true! You're beautiful!” But my words were met with a roll of her eyes and comments like, “Of course you would say that. You're my mom.” 

Clearly my approach was not helpful,  but what could I do? I needed to see the bigger picture to help her because I know how damaging it is to get in the habit of talking mean to yourself. I decided to seek out help and decided to see what resources The Big Life Journal has on this subject.  I already use their products in my school counseling practice and they are my affiliate partner so I knew this was a trusted source! Sure enough, under the parenting tap, was the master course How To Transform Your Child’s Negative Self Talk Into Self Love. I snatched it up and went through it in a matter of weeks. Each lesson helped me gain perspective so I can help my daughter. I began to look  at this problem with a new lens.  I adjusted my thoughts and began to ponder a new question:  “Where were those comments coming from?”  Only Bella could figure that out.  it's not my job to correct her thoughts, but to help her understand what is causing them in the first place. 

As I worked through the course, I began to realize something about my daughter's self-talk.  Those words were a smoke screen for how she was feeling.  I began to learn once again that behind those words was insecurities and anxiety that she needed to face. My first reaction to  tell her she was wrong was useless because I was addressing the symptom, not the problem. So from that moment on I deliberately stopped myself from correcting or reframing when she fell into talking bad about herself. Instead, I made it my mission to help her get to the bottom of this. 

I listened to her without interrupting and pretty soon she said. “I just want to fit in at school and not feel stupid.”  There it was. The reason for the negative self-talk. The problem behind the symptom.  So I asked, “I wonder what you can do to feel like you fit in and avoid feeling stupid?”  She stopped and thought about it then said ”I don't know but I'm going to figure it out!” 

I am so grateful for The Big Life Journal’s parenting material and specifically the course; How To Transform Your Child’s Negative Self Talk Into Self Love  (click parenting tap)  I highly recommend it to you if your child is struggling. https://biglifejournal.com/?aff=1186

So when your child’s behavior concerns you, and nothing you do seems to be working, I encourage you to look within yourself. Figure out what little things you need to tweak to make a difference. Reach out and find the tools you need and then be brave enough to make changes in your own approach. You will be grateful that you did.