What Is The Actual Problem?
Breath in, Breath out, and Listen
Have you ever felt that the solution-focused approach might accidentally brush over problems too quickly?
It's okay to admit it. Maybe you've thought, "Hold on, I need to talk about that problem!" I am here to let you know that the problem is important! Yes, I said it. The problem is a critical piece of the puzzle that needs to be faced to move to a solution that works. The solution-focused approach should not make you feel that you are ignoring the problem. When you feel that tug in your heart telling you that there is more to a story, it is because you realize that it's important that you find out what the person is going through and listen. To truly be solution-focused you need to slow down and listen. If you start to be rushed as you use the solution-focused approach then you may end up missing the problem. It may be that you are moving too quickly. Slow down a bit. Just because you believe there is a solution to every problem does not mean you should brush over an issue. If we move too quickly we are in jeopardy of solving the completely wrong problem. So in this article, we will discuss how to move to a solution without moving too quickly.
Whether you're leading your family, running a company, or counseling others, it's crucial never to dismiss someone's problems. Understanding what's happening and gathering all the information is just the beginning—a way for us to gain insight into the problem. However, the key difference in a hope-centered solution-focused approach is that we fully believe that there is a solution, and aim to take a step forward toward that in the conversation. The goal is not to dwell on the issue but instead to explore the issue with a hopeful mindset.
The purpose of identifying a problem is to acknowledge that something isn't working as it should.
Problems need to be identified fully. Just like when you bring your car to a dealer, explaining the problem accurately is essential; otherwise, they may end up attempting to fix the wrong issues entirely. Now, I don't know anything about cars so when I bring my car in to be fixed, the mechanic needs to be patient with me and ask follow-up questions to make sure he can solve my problem and fix my car. This is just how it is with us in our conversations. It isn't always easy for a person to share what they are struggling with. They may not know how to even put it in words. it's crucial not to move to the solution too quickly, inadvertently overlooking the problem at hand.
Recently, I found myself in a classroom where students were expressing feelings of stress. Initially, I thought they were stressed due to their heavy workload because I knew grades would be submitted on the report card soon, and some kids were scrambling to complete their work. That is where my thoughts went and I began to scroll through a list of solutions in my mind.
However, as I listened longer, a completely different problem was brought to my attention. I realized that my first assumption was wrong. I was about to solve the wrong problem altogether. It wasn't until I paused to truly listen to their words and ponder their concerns that I discovered the underlying issue: they were feeling social stress. Their problem was happening outside of class, and the stress was in their relationships. It has nothing to do with schoolwork stress. Two different types of stress. This realization prompted me to rethink my approach and avoid hastily moving to solutions without fully understanding the problem.
This experience made me realize the importance of gathering information without judgment or assumptions. It's crucial not to rush into solving a problem before fully grasping its depth. Consider for a moment how you answer questions about how you are doing. When asked about our well-being or challenges, we often talk around or avoid the core issue, don't we? It takes a level of trust, comfort, and time to think before sharing details about a difficult issue. This is true for most conversations. If we want to get to the heart of the problem, we need to practice gentle curiosity, creating a space for open, non-judgmental conversation. This is essential to uncovering the real problem and allowing people to be comfortable enough to share their true needs.
In my writing book 30 Days to Higher Hopes, I incorporated Snyder's Hope Scale, which includes questions like, "Do you believe that the things from your past will help you in the future?" The way we perceive and acknowledge our past experiences significantly impacts our level of hope for the future. Recognizing and addressing our problems today is crucial for our future growth and learning from these experiences. By asking the right questions and genuinely seeking to understand others, we create an environment where individuals feel heard, leading to more meaningful and impactful conversations. So, using the solution-focused approach in this way allows you to identify the real problem, foster a sense of mutual understanding, and open the door for real problem-solving.
Maintaining a non-judgmental approach can help people think deeply about their challenges and feel hopeful and strong. Our conversations become meaningful when we create an atmosphere of understanding and curiosity. Both you and the person you're speaking with will feel the impact, leaving a sense of connection and understanding after the interaction. By making others feel heard and valued, you lay the groundwork for growth.
On our path to rewarding and successful relationships, we must come to terms with both the good and bad in life. Our low points are not to be ignored. It's important to see failures as opportunities to learn and move forward. It's about learning from our setbacks and finding the solutions that can guide us from problems to resolutions. Otherwise, we might get stuck in a cycle of facing the same issues, having the same conversations, and getting the same results. So, hope-focused conversations allow people to discuss the good and the bad times openly.
Having hope-focused conversations that honor both the good and the bad in life will shift how we approach conversations. We realize that our ability to be in the moment and allow people to open up about what they face can help them healthily process the pain. When we can gently lead them to think of the next step toward growth or peace, we are a part of helping them face the challenge and grow through it.
So, with that in mind, here are some questions you should have in mind when you are in a tough conversation:
Listening will create lasting bonds.
How can the challenges they have faced contribute to shaping a brighter future?
How can I believe in their potential to transform into a wiser, more successful individual?
This can happen naturally in a conversation when we slow down and allow space to think and ponder. Quiet moments are ok. Taking the time to think should be welcomed. It will help you come up with questions that will be both hopeful and helpful.
It's all about the choices we make and the mindset we embrace. We can use our abilities and experiences to nurture hope and believe in our ability to navigate life, grow, and move forward. This hope-centered, solution-focused mindset shapes how we connect with others, and I truly hope you'll join me in embracing it. My goal is for you to feel empowered, take steps to improve your communication skills and build valuable connections.
Not everyone finds communication easy, but it's a really important skill to work on. Whether you're outgoing or more reserved, being true to yourself and understanding others is key. Take a moment to think about how your past challenges can help shape your future interactions. How can your conversation "fails" help you become a better communicator in the future? In answering these questions, you are laying the groundwork for your growth so that people will feel more hopeful as a result of talking to you.
Being solution-focused means taking the time to understand the problem, not just finding a quick fix.
I've learned the hard way that sometimes, what seems like the main issue isn't the heart of the matter. The secret is to slow down, ask questions, and listen to people, digging deep into genuine conversations. This caring and solution-driven mindset sets the stage for meaningful discussions and personalized action plans.
On The Focused Mindset Podcast episode 195, we unpack this subject more. Feel free to listen in this week and every week to help you have hopeful conversations with those you love. You can watch Cher Kretz expand on the subject in her TEDx talk: How to Lead with Hope: Solution Focused Conversation Navigation. You can practice these skills by joining the free 3-day Lead With Hope Challenge. Your involvement means a lot as we journey together toward a more hopeful and solution-focused life.
