Parent, Teacher, Counselor, Friend: You ARE An Influencer
Yes, I'm talking to you! You are and always have been an influencer in one way or another. Today when we think of the term "Influencer," we immediately think of social media. We can learn a lot from how social media influencers wake our brains up and help us take notice of what they share. At first, a person may listen because their information or personality intrigues them. It may even wake up the brain because you haven't heard what they share in the unique way they share it. Either way, as you listen to their content, you begin to let that person's message influence your way of thinking, and then it could affect your actions. Often, you grow to look up to and respect a person you have never met because they have impacted you by influencing you on a social media app, in a podcast, or on a blog.
People have been influencing other people long before the internet was around. Parents, relatives, and siblings affect the people in their family. Religious leaders, teachers, counselors, community lessons, and coaches influence people each day. I'm here to tell you that if you are around a child for any length of time, you influence them.
So what kind of influence are you? I have discovered two basic types of influencers in a child's life. I call them the Primary Influencer and the Secondary Influencer. Both play a critical role, and both are loud in a child's mind.
Primary Influencer
Are you a child's primary influencer? You know you are if you are the person influencing them most often. For most children, the primary caregiver or parental figure in their life holds this role. A primary influencer's role in a child's life is nothing short of spectacular. The Primary Influencer is so familiar to a child that they will hear their voice even in a crowded room above all others. Because of the consent present in the child's life, what she says is familiar to them on a deep level. To understand this remember the RAS system in the brain. A child's brain is made up of neurons, and every thought and experience that enters the brain is saved and filed as important or not important by the brain's RAS system. The most dominant and frequently used thoughts and experiences get stored in your subconscious for automatic memory recall. This information is easy to remember because it can be accessed most quickly by the brain. These thoughts will be what a child begins to value and determine how they believe. A child's automatic memory is full of information gathered by the primary influencer and ready to pop right to the front of the mind in a split second.
Many parents may believe it's solely their bond that makes a child remember and believe in what they say or do. However, this is not true. Even if the parent has a poor bond with their child, they still influence their child. In fact, even after a child is removed from horribly damaging environments, the caregiver's influence put in their mind after years of repeated harm is like an imprint on their heart.
The good news is that no matter what has happened in the past, a primary influencer can help that imprint on the heart fade and replace it with an entirely new and beautiful heart print. You can use this knowledge about how the brain stores only the most important information to create a helpful environment that fosters growth. Research has uncovered that our amazing brain creates an entirely new pathway and replaces the outdated ones when we repeatedly create brand new learning moments and experiences.
This is because of what is known as neuroplasticity. Kurt Fischer, education professor and director of the Mind, Brain, and Education Program at Harvard University put it this way: "There are a few broad principles that we can state come out of neuroscience. Number one, the brain is remarkably plastic." You can adjust your approach with a child and have the confidence of knowing that the brain is constantly changing and growing as it takes in the new information. It's never too late to begin a new practice and implement new skills to better yourself and your child. When you do, your mind will notice. The more you practice solution-focused strategies, the more new pathways form in your mind. When you use these new strategies with a child, it will make a difference. So deliberately and carefully choose the messages you give to your child to create a healthy mindset.
You Make All The Difference
Parents and caregivers: please know that your primary voice is the first and most important influence in a child's life. In my many years in the field of education, I have mentored school counselors and worked with countless kids of all ages. I can say without hesitation that one act of kindness or despair by the child's caregiver can trump many years of influence from a kids coach like me.
So make no mistake. The Primary Influencer most definitely shapes the life of the child. If you are in that role, be a light for your child. Care about what you say and how you say it knowing that you are influencing them. You can make sure that the eternal dialogue that comes from what they hear you say is in line with the type of person you truly want your child to become.
Secondary Influencer
Are you a child's secondary influencer? If so, you spend a significant amount of time with the child. You might be a teacher, counselor, church leader, close relative, friend, coach, or babysitter. You may also be a social media influencer if a child takes in your content often. If you fall into any of these roles with a child, your voice is heard!. What makes your voice stand out in the crowd is that they remember what you said and how you made them feel. Secondary influencers impact kids for two fundamental reasons:
You are saying what they already believe, but in a different way than they have heard before.
What you say is different from what they have known or believed. The RAS takes notice and goes to work to see if they can find more evidence of that in the world around them.
In both cases, your influence has made the child pay attention to you. You must recognize this and choose not to abuse it. Formative minds can easily get swayed away from the journey towards being the best version of themselves when secondary caregivers share their unsolicited opinions with them. Instead, you should ask questions to bring out the child's greatness. It is not about what you know but how much you can empower them that matters.
The people who made the greatest positive impact on you were likely those who made you feel empowered. When you empower kids to think and learn, it’s your voice they hear when they are making decisions in their life. This is especially true when your influence comes from a humble place of guidance and coaching. As you adopt a solution-focused mindset and practice the skills repetitively, you will create new pathways in your mind that will transform your impact.
Better Together
To provide a roadmap with a clear path towards adulthood for a child, both the primary and secondary influencers must work together. For example, if a parent is having a hard time getting through to their pre-teen that they should work hard in school to get good grades, she might allow her to spend the day with her favorite aunt, who might share the same message in a new way. Suddenly, the child decides to get good grades, and their situation improves. A wise parent doesn't lean into jealousy at that moment, saying, "I have told you that for years, and now you listen?" Instead, mom realized that, in this case, mom's voice had become so familiar that her daughter began to tune her out. So, being a resourceful mom, she leaned on the other influential people in her life to send the same message. Try it! You will find that when more than one voice is speaking to a child, the child will hear the message. This is because it utilizes the mind's ability to pay attention when something seems new and different.
My daughter loves Billie Eilish. Her playlists are full of her songs, and she has watched her content on social media. Often, we watch them together. Now to be fully transparent, I am not a big fan. In fact, at times I am offended by some of the ways Billie Eilish communicates. But I know that no matter how I feel about her, she will be an influence on my daughter at this time of her life. So I'm careful not to overshare my opinion of her favorite artist, but rather understand what it is about her that my daughter loves.
One day Bella said to me, "Did you know that Billie Eilish looks at her mom as her best friend?" I said, "Oh, she does?" " Yes, mom. And even though lots of my friends act like they don't like their mom, I know it is cool to be friends with your mom.” I nodded in agreement as she continued, “ I know I don't always show it, but I love that we can always talk, and I want to keep it that way." At that moment, I joined my daughter as one of Billie Elish's biggest fans.
Notice how the first and secondary influencers work together in the child's mind? Bella's teen idol said something she already knew to be true. However, coming from Billie, heard it differently. She was also paying attention to another secondary influencer: her friends. When her friends started talking badly about her parents, the RAS system quietly went to work looking for evidence in her world to see if her friend's message was valid. The confirmation she found helped her come to a conclusion that was right for her. The result was that she solidified the values that I always wanted her to have. And after she worked all that out, she was able to share it with me. This was due to the trusting relationship we formed after many years of practicing great listening.
This is Just The Beginning
It has been said that with great knowledge comes great responsibility! It will take effort and practice to fine-tune how you interact with kids to be more solution-focused. But it will be worth it as you watch them build confidence in their journey towards adulthood.
Children are adults in training with a mind taking in new information each day that shapes the direction of their lives. When you work with kids you are making an impact on them. It is entirely up to you what kind of impact your interactions will have on their journey.
